How To:

by Joceline

1) Make children like you.
Be 4’11″.

Incidentally I just bought these children’s capris. AKA pants, for children, that should hit them oh, around mid-calf. They are perfect-length work pants for me…damn you 25″ inseam.

2) Enjoy a salad (especially from hospital-grade salad bars).
Hide a pile of bacon bits, blue cheese, and those crunchy fried chow-mein noodles under a thin layer of spinach leaves and call it a salad.

3) Make children not like you anymore.
Don’t wash your white coat for a few weeks, in the summertime.  I caught a whiff of myself after walking up some stairs and it was not ideal.  But on that note, did you know you can just apply deodorant directly onto clothing?

4) Be behind on all the cool things.
Get an iPhone a week ago.  Immediately download Instagram before adding contacts, sending a single text, or even turning on data.

Oh, just moseying around Roanoke, taking hipster pictures of buildings.  Wait, that isn’t trendy anymore?  Oh.

5) Properly celebrate someone’s 40th birthday.
Make fun of him at every opportunity.  Example: Ask if this is the first alcohol he’s had since Prohibition, play lots of 70s music, and if he acts like he’s about to leave, ask if it’s bedtime already.

There are TWO JOKES in this photo!