Once Upon a Time there was a Buzzfeed article named, “The Disney Prince Hotness Ranking.” Due to the predictable wave of tweets, shares, and viral what-have-you’s that occur after any piece of 90′s nostalgia hits the interwebs, said article was easily tripped over by a young blogger named Denise. Seeing as it was Friday and she was feeling whimsical, Denise decided that she should email this article out to every similarly aged female she knew (who would, you know, not judge her). The resulting hilarious and overly opinionated email interaction has been recreated below with added visuals for good measure. By all means, enjoy…
Denise:
Happy Friday! Read this —> Buzzfeed has penned what I started in my head long, long ago.
Reactions?
First, let’s clear up the obvious – Dimitri from Anatasia blows these dudes away. Also, SHANG and John Smith should be higher on this list. The nameless princes from Snow White and Cinderella have no business on this ranking – especially ahead of anyone Mel Gibson voiced. Prince Eric is too high. He’s too prone to mind control to be in the big leagues, but that’s just one girl’s opinion.
Also, animals are not contenders. Yes, Joceline I am talking to you and your odd attraction to adult Simba that I know for a fact you’ve had since college.
Not a dude. Sorry, Joce.
Emily:
First of all, Denise, this is the DISNEY rankings, so just stop talking about Dimitri! If he were that great, he would have gotten himself a Disney deal, not some rando second-rate animation contract. Also, Dimitri had a questionable character and tried to basically sell Anastasia to further himself (rude) and he wasn’t the brightest crayon in the box to begin with. In the end, Anastasia totally defeats Rasputin anyways.
I agree that Shang should rank higher, because although he perpetuates chauvinist lyrics in “I’ll Make A Man Out Of You,” that song is EPIC and in the end he is secure enough in his own skin to be with a strong woman like Mulan, and to appreciate and respect her. HUGE points.
I love that Prince Naveen from the Princess and the Frog ranks high on this list. Yet another great example of a weak man that saw the light when a smart, driven woman came in his life, and he changed himself and worked diligently to be his best self with her.
Prince Eric is the PITS. THE PITS, I SAY. He was too dumb to figure out human Ursula wasn’t Ariel (hello, HOW CAN YOU MISS THAT SHE WAS A GINGER?) and was so vein that he had a statue made of himself. And he never considered becoming a mermaid for Ariel. Clearly, he’s selfish.
Flynn Rider (#4) is just a washed-up frat boy. Can we please just get rid of him and his disgusting hair flip ASAP?
The nameless Princes may remain in the rankings as evidence of weak early-era Disney character development, and as a warning of why pretty faces really only get you but so far in life.
I would argue that Simba has more admirable characteristics than all of these men, but we’ll save that for another day.
Most of them? dumb. as. rocks.
Finally! Thank you “Enchanted” – The perfect prince: not animated, beautiful luscious hair, and all about empowering women (we think, maybe….)
Denise:
In defense of Dimitri, I only have the following to say: 1) John Cusak’s voice 2) collared shirts w/ rolled-up sleeves (sigh) and 3) a Sean from Boy Meets World haircut.
Need I say more?
Also, let’s not forget that despite his con man history, Dimitri can save you during a violent rainstorm, soothe you during a nightmare, wear a tux (like, WEAR it well), dance, and sacrifice everything for your happiness. Yeah, so don’t turn up your nose at Fox Animation, Emily. Mickey Mouse can’t have a monopoly on fictional dreaminess.
I agree with your judgement on Shang, Flynn, and Prince Eric. I forgot about that statue. Man, what a d-bag thing to do…
Can anyone shine light as to why the Beast is so highly ranked in this article? I mean, he was a cute human, but that lasted all of about two minutes.
Not quite doing it for me.
Better.
Lauren:
Seriously – ranking the Beast that high based on his appearance as an animal – and actually deducting points for what he looked like when he was human? Pretty sure he should have been ranked last, precisely because as a furry beast, it’s impossible to call him hot or sexy. At least John Smith was human.
And Shang. Oh Shang. You are my favorite. Absolute crime to have not ranked him #1.
Stephanie:
One, this is the best email chain I have ever gotten, and I saw this ranking yesterday! I love it!
I was disappointed that Dimitri was not on the list, because as we all know, he embodies masculinity so completely that he without a doubt has two y chromosomes (like our good friend the Hoff), and therefore he should beat out all disney princes. But I think that Shang should have been at the top of the list too!
If I could have class discussion about these things I would have above a 4.0.
Disney wishes they had this swag.
But what do the MEN have to say about this ranking of fictional characters, you ask? Well, we have some input from a former guest blogger:
Nick
Really?! I thought Aladdin and Eric would be in the top 3, but Captain Shang is waaaaaay too low.
We agree, Nick. We agree.
So, if you are a man and you happen to be reading this, here are the basic take-away points from this pointless exercise:
- Have a personality.
- Don’t be an animal.
- Also, this:
Deal-breaker.
You’re welcome, Internet.
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