So I’ve noticed something lately that annoys me more than it should. Maybe it’s because young women my age are just at that grey area between being youthful college kids and responsible adults, but I sometimes see us putting on the “helpless little girl” act more than is necessary. Sure, I partake in this charade when there’s a tire that needs changing, because I don’t really trust my own ability to effectively tighten lug nuts. But it’s not just pretending to be helpless that bothers me–it’s the affectation of weird little quirks that some women think makes them so! Cute! And twee!
Why does this annoy me so much? Because a list of quirks does not a personality make. Especially when they are, as I suspect, fake quirks. See: hipsters. Then combine hipsters with fifties housewives and you get, in list form, because I think in lists now (I read too many Cracked articles)–five ways grown-ass women act like delicate night-blooming flowers:
1) Pretending to hate the sound of the word “moist”. I don’t know how this got started, but let’s clear it up now: there is nothing gross about the sound of “moist”. Ditto for the word “panties”. I once had a friend who pretended to be grossed out by the word “coupon”, and I say pretended, because let’s be real here: there isn’t anything gross about most sounds, except maybe HEEUURRGGHH splat splat splat splat (the sound of someone projectile vomiting after a Mexican food buffet). People who squeal about how gross “moist” sounds are either overly fastidious, or pretending to be so for the sake of appearing delicate.
Things that are actually gross: infected butt wounds, maggots on rotting animals, the trough that serves as the men’s bathroom at the Foxfield Races, sliding through said trough for the money that people throw into it.
2) Being afraid of non-scary things. Similar to 1), pretending that you’re scared of something that is not remotely scary doesn’t make you a special snowflake. Being afraid of things like babies, mushrooms, or other random non-threatening things is illogical, not quirky. I can only imagine these people wait for something innocuous that everyone likes to come up in conversation just so they can be different and pipe up, “I’m scared of kittens! They’re so…small! And fluffy and generally immobile! And unable to hurt me!”
3) Being proud of being directionally challenged. Getting lost happens, in spite of (or sometimes because of) smartphones. In fact, once Siri sent me in an infinite loop in the middle of rural Virginia. But incompetence is not something to brag about. Small children get lost easily, and there is nothing attractive about adult women acting like small children. It’s kind of like saying “I’m so bad at math! Teehee, leave that hard stuff to the menfolk!”
4) Talking about how they’re always cold, like it’s cute. My roommate actually is always cold. You know what she did? She got an electric blanket and didn’t whine. She loves that thing, I think she would marry it if she could. My point is, being perpetually cold when things like sweaters exist does not make you lovably fragile. It just makes you unprepared.
5) I can’t think of another one, but maybe I’ll try to explain why this annoys me more articulately. It’s kind of that “show, don’t tell” thing they teach you in high-school English. Don’t tell me various facts about yourself like it’s going to show me what kind of person you are. It’d be like someone walking around saying “I always give change to homeless people” instead of just living charitably. If you have to proclaim your quirks to everyone, they’re probably not very real in the first place. And if you’re pretending to be squeamish or dumb because you think it’s cute, please stop for the rest of our sakes.