We tend to have running emails back and forth during the work week, and yesterday was no exception. However, the email chain and chats proved to much more entertaining than usual, and most definitely worthy of sharing on Life in Labels.
Denise: Tell me a story. Blerg, in a mood.
Emily: Well, I don’t really have a good story… but I have another underwear story, like the time I told you about dropping my underwear on 7th street… except this time, I went to pull my sunglasses out of my work bag and they brought a forgotten pair of spare underwear with them onto 13th street near Metro Center…. I think I just have bad undergarment luck. Another funny thing to read right now is the Bachelor Pad recap from last night, which includes this brilliant quote: “Just because we’re not emotional alcoholics who run around here hammered, crying about our feelings… doesn’t mean we don’t want this more than anybody.”
Emily: (5 minutes later) Here is a story via gchat about how we are not married, haha:
Lauren: your table [at my wedding this weekend] is going to be so freaking fun… so don’t be surprised if you find me trying to sneak over there often
Me: hahahahaha… are you allowed to tell me who it is? (although i can probably hazard a guess)
Lauren: hahaha, I can tell you. I just submitted the final seating arrangement to the woman doing the escort card templates, so there’s no going back now!
Me: ahhh it’s so real!!!
Lauren: it’s you, Denise, Declan & Becca, Emily & John, Nick & Emily, and Katie and her fiance
Me: hahaha Denise and I are dates.
Lauren: hahaha, I guess it did work out that way
Denise: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I JUST LOL’D and I don’t care which gov employees heard me.That. Is. Great.Well, at least Declan isn’t married, but still. Can we change our class rings to our left hands and pretend our husbands are in the military…or astronauts? But seriously, we’re 24. How is it that we’ve already reached the point of feeling like Bridget Jones. This is unacceptable. I blame the world.
Emily: I blame your Catholic friends.
Denise: Yeah, me too.
Emily: Well at least my mom is DD’ing us like the children that we are, so we can drink our feelings. HAHA.
From: Denise To: Emily, Lauren, Nick, Declan Subject: Fwd: Re: Tell me a story Message: Had to forward this. Too funny. Plus, we all obviously need to prep for the epic-ness that will be this weekend. We’re officially sitting at the cool kids table. Score. Also, to make it easier on everyone, Emily and I will each pretend to have astronaut husbands.
Emily: (Replying all) Thank you, Denise. I’m so glad that you included our earlier chain about my undergarments for everyone’s reading pleasure as well.
Denise: (Replying all) Oh yeah, you know. Thought it would add some context. But seriously, I’m sorry. And laughing. But mostly sorry.
Every now and then I am reminded that Firefox knows far more about me than it lets on. Much like God, I cannot hide anything from it (unless I routinely clean my cookies, of course). How do I know this?
Exhibit A:
A screenshot from YouTube. See advertisement to the right.
Exhibit B:
Another screenshot. Nice slogan, right? *Cue eye roll*
My web activity and search terms have probably made it obvious to Firefox that I am Catholic…though, I must say I’m curious as to why it assumed I’m single. Is it because I YouTubed “Say Yes to the Dress”? Probably…
Dear CatholicMatch.com,
Stop. I’m sure you’re very helpful, but I just haven’t reached that point yet.
Love,
Denise
P.S. - I know you’ll probably reappear in my advertisements very soon. When you do, can you at least improve your strategy with some funny Catholic pick-up lines? Really, it’s the least you can do.
The other week, Joceline posed the question to me “What’s better – college dating or real-life dating?” Little did she know, but she had just provided me with food for thought for the next few weeks. As we saw from our mysterious male contributor during Marilyn vs. Jackie Week, the 21st century college scene creates a… *unique* environment in which to meet people. Coupled with the abundance of new methods for talking without actually speaking, and you’ve got a thoroughly overwhelming new world of dating, in comparison to the picket-fenced going steady and uninhibited “free love” of our parents’ generation. Now, that’s not to say that those concepts/people don’t still exist – in fact, I have plenty of friends who are married or in stable long-term relationships. But for the rest of us, the question remains – how do you navigate through all the bullshit to find a gentleman (but not a Gentleman)?! This past January, I turned to online dating, and signed up for OKCupid. My job search was in full swing, and I figured – hey, why not add a more fun search into the mix? A good friend had found her boyfriend (now fiance!!) using the site last summer, and she assured me that, if nothing else, it would at least be a good ego boost. I even coordinated (and commiserated) with my internship supervisor as we set out on parallel journeys – only, she used match.com since, you know, she had a salary and all.
Armed with inspirational success stories, an open mind, and some pepper spray, I dove head-first into the online dating world. 47 random messages, 34 days, 8 email conversations, 3 boys, and 5 dates later…. I found the love of my life was over it. Now, I am by no means bashing online dating – in many ways, I think that that it gets past a lot of the other barriers that 21st century “dating” throws into the mix – reading profiles isn’t Facebook stalking, you clarify expectations upfront (dating? long term? one night?), you can see how people answer a variety of questions before you even meet them (even the hard ones: politics, religion, abortion – you name it!), and best of all, at least for me: you’re allowed to shamelessly judge people.
pretty accurate - except I'm not sorry.
Speaking of judging, let’s take a moment to talk about how people view online dating. Speaking purely from personal experience, I think that my peers hold much less of a stigma against the practice than, say, our parents’ generation. Particularly those moving into postgrad life in new places or simply looking to expand their social reach, online dating offers a different way to meet other people. When I first signed up for OKCupid, I told one friend. After a few weeks, I shared it with my sister and several other friends – all of whom started having the same basic reaction: curiosity. “How does it work? How many people message you? What does he look like? Is everyone a freak? Can I read funny profiles with you?!!” With the introduction of more online dating service, including those that fill new niches like JDate, the stigma has lessened. Our generation relies on the internet for everything else in our lives – why not this?
Parents are a whole different story. In fact, I never even told mine that I had signed up for OKCupid. My childhood was filled with warnings of strangers and chat rooms and grizzly CSI horror stories – and for good reason. I never said the internet was a perfect place, and there certainly isn’t a lie detector attached to these sites – just ask the 5’0″ boy that I met for coffee. For parents, and others, online dating represents an unknown – and to some extent, I have to agree: if you haven’t experienced it, you really can’t fully understand or appreciate it. Online dating means that you’re committing to “the search” – you’re admitting that you are incomplete/unfulfilled/searching and want someone else in your life. Standing in a dive bar with a rail bourbon and your girlfriends, making fun of the men all around you (even if you secretly want to flirt with one of them) – that’s much less commitment.
lies.
In returning to Joce’s original question (college dating vs. real-life dating), I’ve come to see how for me, online dating definitely factored into the experiences I lump together under the “real life” side of things. Upsides? Real dates: dinner, movies, walking around museums. Meeting someone completely new. First kisses that don’t happen in a frat basement or in front of your dorm. Downsides: formalities. Meeting someone completely new. Distance. Unlike college, postgrad life lacks the intimacy and casual settings of seeing a classmate or friend-of-a-friend, or conveniently “running into one another” at the same bars. Friend circles overlap less, and dating takes time – planning, commitment, investment. That’s not to say that it’s not fun, or worth it in the end. And for a lot of millennials, it seems that we have begun pushing toward the idea that it doesn’t matter where you meet someone, or how you meet them – it matters that you met them at all.
Like Denise, I am a single lady. I’ve spent some memorable Valentine’s Days with boyfriends, most notably when I went to see Edward Albee’s play The Goat, or Who is Sylvia? with my last serious boyfriend. Obviously, the relationship didn’t work out, and I wonder if it’s because we spent a Valentine’s Day watching a play about a man having sex with a goat. No, seriously, look it up. I loved it because I love “theatre the absurd,” but my boyfriend at the time? Not so much.
The following year we spent Valentine’s Day apart, me crying about it, him wondering why I thought it was a big deal that we weren’t officially “dating.” This brings up another interesting point…the different stages of dating in college. I’m sure Lauren might have had another type of experience in college, but in Charlottesville, things get weird when doing the whole “DTR” (or define the relationship) talk. I guess the fact that we broke up so many times over the years should have tipped it off to me that mayhaps we weren’t made for one another.
But, this isn’t about ex-boyfriends. This post is about me. Single. Nowadays, I love Valentine’s Day. In our last Friday Favorites post, I linked to a Ban.Do sparkly heart corsage, which I bought for myself to wear with pride this Monday. I always buy myself little gifts in February. Why should Valentine’s Day be about love for another? It’s about love for myself.
Denise wrote about how she’s not so concerned about her single status. I feel the same way. I am also 22. Although my parents were engaged at 19 (yikes!), I don’t feel a need to be married as young. I’m all for it if you find love, but I haven’t found it yet. I can be a bossy lady, and so until I find someone that’s in to being bossed on the regular, I’m happy to just boss around my real Valentine: my roommate/bestie.
In my second sorority girl post, I shared a letter that I wrote about my time in my sorority. The last paragraph is entirely about my bestie. Don’t tell her, but she’s about to get the best Valentine’s gift from me.
A different friend just broke up with her serious boyfriend last week. Obviously, this is sort of horrible timing, but on Monday, I’m taking her to get her nails done with me. I’m passing on my philosophy of loving yourself on Valentine’s Day. I truly believe the way to not be the bitter girl clutching bags of chocolate and screaming “I hate men,” is to just give in to the idea of the day, and flip it to be about ourselves.
One of these days, I’m going to need to post about my love for music. But, for now, I’ll leave you with my Valentine’s Day playlist, which I make every year for myself.
1. Boy With A Coin by Iron & Wine
2. You Always Hurt the Ones You Love by Ryan Gosling
3. Marry You by Glee Cast
4. Skinny Love by Bon Iver
5. Colorblind by Counting Crows
6. Poison & Wine by The Civil Wars
7. Flightless Bird, American Mouth by Iron & Wine
8. All I Believe In by The Magic Numbers
9. Never Think by Rob Pattinson
10. When I Get You Alone by Glee Cast
11. Love Vigilantes by Iron & Wine
12. Such Great Heights A capella by
13. Breathe Me by Sia
13. Samson by Regina Spektor
15. Silly Love Songs by Glee Cast
16. You and Me by Penny & The Quarters
17. Delicate by Damien Rice
Tell me, single ladies, how will you be spending Monday?
If you’re hoping to read a juicy, somewhat bitter pre-Valentine’s Day rant from a single girl, I suggest you go elsewhere. I shan’t be throwing a Bridget Jones Pity Party on this blog. Twenty-two is too young to go to such extremes:
To be honest, I don’t feel particularly passionate or bitter about this “single” label…but I guess that’s the revolutionary point. I’m not crying. I’m not chugging a bottle of wine. I’m not gushing over the phone with my girlfriends about my relationship status and I don’t believe Valentine’s Day is out to get me. It’s just what I am. I’m single. No big deal.
You know what? Despite media portrayals like the above, I really believe most single women share this mature attitude. After all, normal people don’t dwell on their singleness on the average day, but for some odd reason on February 14th there is pressure to set aside one’s routine and mourn this state of being. Keep in mind that the Anti-Valentine sentiment can be just as disruptive and marketable as its romantic counterpart. Think about it. Who do you think really buys all that chocolate on V-Day?
Maybe it’s my age that’s keeping me so calm about this label. Will singleness get more complicated as time passes? See the following chart for the cultural answer to that question:
Fate or fabrication?
Notice the very narrow peak in a female’s mid to late twenties in which they can ideally settle down. I’ve deemed this the “Rom Com Window” because if you aspire to fall in love in a Katherine Heigelesque fashion you best do it then. If you do it earlier you might be labeled knocked-up, uneducated or old fashioned. Any later…and apparently it’s just a roller coaster plunge to knitting and cats (though both Joceline and guest blogger Emily have proved how cool those can be).
Notice how different the male chart looks. The last stages are very different and the “Rom Com Window” is significantly wider. I apologize in advance to the perfectly nice young men who read our blog and do not fit this mold (ex: Lauren‘s husband). I hope this exaggeration doesn’t offend you…
Proof that life isn't fair?
Fellow single ladies, our chart only has power if we believe it to be true. The stereotypes in it are products of insecurity and bandwagoning.* Before any of us host an Anti-Valentine’s Day Party, scowl at happy couples out to dinner or snuggle with Ben & Jerry, we should pause and remember that by reacting thus we inadvertently send the message that we believe the sad, sad graph above. If you really want to support the single cause then let’s ban together and act like the sane, lovely women we are. Go about your business. February 14th is just another Monday, right?**
*and probably Disney
**Well…let’s not forget the often overlooked brothers Saint Cyril and Saint Methodius whose memories are also honored on February 14th. Through their translations and missionary work they spread the Gospel to the Slavic peoples. This geeky footnote is brought to you by my Catholic label.
