Tag Archives: Woman

by Joceline

So I just made the one-hour drive to Richmond and “What Makes You Beautiful” by One Direction played three times on three different stations. I know, so Spring 2012, but usually I just switch stations when I hear it come on, so I’ve never really heard the lyrics. This time there wasn’t anything on the country station, so I got to hear the poetical musicality of this wildly insightful song.

Essentially, this guy is singing about his girl, who is super beautiful, obviously. But! She doesn’t know it, and it only makes her more beautiful. In fact, that is exactly what makes her beautiful. Also, he likes it when she flips her hair. (I just went through the lyrics again and those are really the only two things he says about her.)

Thanks for saying I’m pretty even though I don’t know I’m pretty which makes me pretty.  I do like your matchy outfits though, that’s pretty cute.

I’m being snarky on purpose, since I just hate this song, but I have definitely heard this sentiment before when talking about someone. “Oh, he’s so hot, but the best thing is, he doesn’t know it.”  “She’s much nicer than someone that pretty needs to be, it makes her even more attractive.” Once again, that’s taking pretty-on-the-inside and translating it into pretty-on-the-outside.  I’m glad this girl is being praised for not being conceited, but that’s a compliment enough without having to qualify it in units of beauty.

It would honestly be more accurate (and more flattering, probably) to say “You look good AND you managed to not be an asshole!”  I don’t know if that’s quite as catchy, though.  But if someone turns that into a hit single for the fall, you tell them you heard it here first.

by Joceline

There are three types of girls: high-maintenance, low-maintenance, and those who say they’re low-maintenance, but are actually high-maintenance.

This post is not about being fussy or being laidback.  It’s about the third: the girl who likes to bring up the fact that she’s so chill, implying that being high-maintenance makes you an unrelatable b.  In my experience, it’s because we think guys like low-maintenance women.  So one tactic is to highlight how not high-maintenance you are.

These girls say things like:

- “You’re taking forever to get ready.  It took me five minutes.”
- “God, girls.  I hate constant drama.  So catty.”  Because making blanket statements about other girls isn’t catty.
- “I don’t like expensive things.”
- “I don’t mind when [significant other] talks to other chicks.  I’m not a jealous bitch.”
- “You’re drinking a vodka soda? I’d like a beer.”
- “Why are you so dressed up?  I’m just wearing a t-shirt.”
- “I never get manicures.”  …And? It’s not a personality trait.
- “I don’t even own a blowdryer.”

Note that these statements may all seem innocuous when you’re just reading them–I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with liking beer or t-shirts, or not owning a blowdryer (heck, I don’t, I just don’t think it’s something to brag about).  It’s the judging that rubs me the wrong way, or the quiet implication that: if you drink floofy drinks or get manicures, that makes you more demanding, therefore I am better.

What’s my point?  You will never catch someone who is truly low-maintenance say, “I am so mellow, did I mention I’m really casual, and I’m easygoing too?”  If they’re actually low-maintenance, they won’t be thinking about it, so they won’t brag about how much attention they don’t need.  Bottom line: if you’re high-maintenance, that’s fine.  If you’re low-maintenance, that’s great!  But if you’re putting other girls down because you think that guys like chill girls better, can it.

As for me, I’m definitely high-maintenance.  Less so financially or with material gifts, but emotionally?  I’ll say it myself, I’m pretty damn clingy in a relationship.  Full disclosure!  It’s only fair to everyone involved.  And the solution is not to change what level of attention to require–or to pretend you need less than you actually do.  We might think guys like chill girls, but really some guys like chill girls, and some guys like fussy ones.

Also, now that I’m done writing this post I realize that When Harry Met Sally did it better.

Harry: There are two kinds of women, high maintenance and low maintenance.
Sally: Which one am I?
Harry: You’re the worst kind. You’re high maintenance, but you think you’re low maintenance.
Sally: I don’t see that.
Harry: You don’t see that? “Waiter, I’ll begin with the house salad “but I don’t want the regular dressing. “I’ll have the balsamic vinegar and oil but on the side. “And then the salmon with the mustard sauce, “but I want the mustard sauce on the side.” “On the side” is a very big thing for you.
Sally: Well, I just want it the way I want it.

OWN it, Sally–”I just want it the way I want it.”  No need to pretend or bash anyone.

by Joceline

The other day on facebook Emily A posted this picture, from Roald Dahl’s The Witches oops, The Twits, thanks for the correction Pranay.

You know, it’s a nice way of thinking.  When I first read it, I thought it was sweet, and to some extent, true.  I certainly find happy people more approachable, and if that translates into me thinking they’re more attractive, well, blame it on the eye of the beholder or whatever.

But I take issue with this thought of “If you’re a good person, then it’ll make you prettier!”  I’m not sure I want to go around telling children, “Hey, think good thoughts and be nice, it’ll make people think your face is more symmetrical.  And then people will want to bang you.”

Damn, she’s so pretty–she must be REALLY NICE.

It bothers me because telling someone “Your efforts to be friendly/kind/interesting will make you beautiful” puts all of this unnecessary importance on beauty.  All roads don’t lead to beauty.  Being physically attractive is not some currency by which all other traits should be measured.  If you’re a great person, it means: you’re a great person–which is enough of an accomplishment that it shouldn’t have to translate into beauty to make it worth it.

The other reason conflating beauty and virtue is dangerous is that it sends the message that being ugly is the worst thing in the world, to be avoided at all costs.  Which is the wrong attitude to take about ugly.  Ugly doesn’t harm anyone.  I’d rather be ugly than malicious–because a pair of Spanx notwithstanding, I can’t really change the way I look.  (Actually I totally can, eye makeup is amazing, but I’m not going to show you that anytime soon).

I’m being tongue-in-cheek here, but what I mean is that: pretty or ugly, I’d really rather people be impressed with what I do, rather than what I look like.   And I’m worried that someone will arm themselves with a smile and a great attitude, thinking it makes them prettier, and then be crushed if someone does call them ugly, as though it were the worst insult in the world.   If someone were to say, “Well, she’s mehhhh in the face…but she has a great personality,” yeah, okay, I might be a little offended.  But the important part is that I’d have a great personality!  Which, in the end, should be worth so much more than an apology for being unpretty.

by Joceline

Ah, the creeper.   Girls slap that title on guys who are trying too hard, seem too desperate, or otherwise just weird us out, and we waste no time in skewering him to our friends.  “He just gives me a vibe.”  “He asked me to dinner for tomorrow.“  “He has creepy facial hair.”  “He showed up at Trinity by himself after texting me, and tried to dance with me when HELLO, ladies’ night!”

Things that will land a guy on the creeper list:

- Over-texting
- Explicit texting too early or unencouraged
- Touching on the small of the back/too much physical contact in general
- Too many compliments/comments about our physical appearance (compliments are nice, but if he calls us beautiful repeatedly, he’s trying really hard)
- Making it too clear he’s stalked us on facebook beyond the trivial stuff that shows up on his news feed (we all do it but for the love of God don’t talk about it!)
- Staring
- Always asking/showing up to where you are

Talking to too many ladies at once might earn you a creeper title, unless you’re a baller like Randy here.

But honestly, the most important thing that determines whether a guy is in Camp Maybe or Camp Creepy: how attractive he is.

Yes, I know.  We’re not that shallow!  But maybe, sometimes, we are.  Think about it.  A lot of the guys we’ve labeled as creepers are just hitting on us because we’re out, they’re out, we’re all flirting, and maybe they’re awkward and think you can’t go wrong with telling a girl she’s pretty!  But now, think of that last guy you called creepy, but imagine if he were really hot and you had a crush on him.  Now, let’s put on the rose-colored glasses of “this guy is really hot” and take a look at that list again:

- Over-texting He’s so interested in how my day was!
- Explicit texting Oh heyyyy, glad someone took it there!
- Touching on the small of the back What a charmer!
- Too many compliments Compliments!
- The facebook stalking Good thing he went through all of my pictures too, or else it would make me a weirdo.
- Staring Ooh, eye contact!
- Showing up to where you are Yes, he’s here, now to casually ignore him until he comes and talks to me.

There’s even a Google+ ad about this–this chick initially thinks the poor guy is a creeper but they end up getting married!  Be careful who you label, you might have to hurt his feelings later.

See?  A lot of the time when I call a guy a creep, it actually means I’m not attracted to him.  Which is fine, but I’ll call it what it really is–being shallow.  And everyone’s allowed to not be attracted to someone.  But don’t label a poor guy who likes you as a creeper when you just don’t like him back.  Calling someone a “creeper” should mean that he makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, and should be a warning to your friends that this guy might be looking to take advantage of you or them.  Actually being creepy means doing things like:

- Keeping the drinks coming, even when he hasn’t asked if we want another one or if we still have one in our hand
- Touching/talking/texting/anything when we make it clear we don’t want him to
- And as a grad student, explicitly going out to pick up “undergrad chicks”.  A twenty-year-old and a twenty-eight-year-old can find love across the bar of the Virginian, but going out with the goal of hitting on exclusively younger girls is, well, creepy.

And guys, there is a female counterpart to this.  Girls call you creepy because we do have to be concerned that people might be out there to take advantage of us.  But you know what you do?  Call us Batshit Crazy.  And that’s a post for another day…

by Joceline

I love Spanx.  They’re like an extra-tight hug…for my thighs!  Sure, by the end of the night my liver and spleen have gotten a little too close together for their own liking, but a good pair of Spanx wrangles my bod into flirty dress-wearing, booty-shaking, liquid-consuming condition.  And yes, I’ve heard them compared to “modern-day corsets” and subjugation of women etc., but to me they’re just another one of those things we use for a little boost of confidence.  You know, like eyelash curlers and high heels and push-up bras.

Anyway, the other weekend I was wearing some trusty control-top hose, and it reminded me of something I think of as The Spanx Paradox.  Like I said, I think Spanx are great, but not so much when you see them on their own.  Plus, when they are…ahem…removed, they leave unsightly red marks that take half the night to fade.

Despite her come-hither pose...giant beige underpants are about as sexy as they sound.

Much preferred would be that matching set with lace and bows that cost me far too much for the amount of fabric they contain!  And that I never wear!  But why do I never wear them?

Oh, right.  I hate thongs and loathe wearing them all night.  Also, prancing about in miniscule underwear is much less taut and much more wobbly than doing the same in iron shapewear.  And therein lies the paradox.  Either you wear your party pants and are less likely to flirt madly with someone, meaning you take your cutely clad self home that night…or you don Spanx, dance like a crazy person to Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe”, and entrap someone only for him to discover you’re in granny panties made out of Teflon.  THERE IS NO RIGHT ANSWER.

And to end, this scene from Bridget Jones’ Diary sums it up better than I can: